I strongly believe that we need to treat our mind and spirit the same way we treat our outside body: clean it and groom it regularly. Otherwise, instead of a clear mind and healthy body, we will carry a lot of old habits, feelings and emotions that are no longer useful to us. If the burden is too heavy, we might end up getting sick both mentally and physically.
There are many things we can do to clean our mind and spirit and the western world starts to learn more and more about them. We just have to choose the ones that suit us best. There is no bad choice as long as we are willing to spend time and energy on this.
Coaching got my attention from the first time I heard about it and I experienced it. It is a simple, down-to-earth, very human practice. It is as old as humanity and we do not need years of learning to be good coaches. On the contrary, the coaching training that I took was quite the opposite: it was more about leaving behind old habits than about learning new things.
What does a coach do?
Sometimes we are stuck with a problem and we seem to think we have tried everything and nothing works. That is why we need a fresh eye and a clear mind to look at the problem and change our perspective so we can find the solution.
We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
Albert Einstein
Some say coaching is about powerful questioning and in a way it is, but to ask that one question that gives food for thought and triggers change in the person in front, takes a lot more than that:
- It takes a good, open relationship between the coach and the client so that they both trust each other and the client feels secure enough to share his thoughts and feelings.
- The coach needs to be fully present and to have a clear, still mind; she needs to listen to the words as well as beyond them; she has to pay attention to the customer’s feelings as well as her own. And, most importantly she has to be genuinely interested in the person in front of her.
- During a coaching session the coach gives her time, her energy and her undivided attention to create a safe space where the client’s wisdom can emerge.
Coaching starts from the premise that there is nothing wrong with the client. He is fully capable and has all the resources he needs to achieve his goals. The coach only assists him in his journey. Because of that, the past is not important during the coaching process. Coaching does not try to repair anything, things are perfect the way they are, it focuses on the present (what is) and the objectives the customer has (what will be).
What a coach doesn’t do?
There are a few things a coach should avoid during a coaching session and sometimes it takes a lot of practice to change these old human habits.
No judging
The coach does not judge the person in front of her, his thoughts, his feelings or his situation. Judging ruins the relationship and the entire coaching process as well.
No advice
Even if the coach means well, advice does not help the coaching process at all.
When a coach gives advice, the client owns less of the solution. Without this ownership there is less accountability.
Teri-E Belf and Michael Marx
If the client is not fully accountable for the solution he is putting in practice, it is less likely that he will put all his energy and resources into make it work. Plus, the advice given by the coach might not suit the client’s needs and desires.
No saving
Sometimes, if the client is caught in a situation where he is suffering a lot, the first impulse is to get him out in order to end his suffering. As human as this may seem, it is not in the benefit of the client. The coach should comfort him but respect the experience and she should not judge the situation as being bad for the client. What seems bad at the moment might be a valuable learning experience or might turn into something good in the end. Also, saving cripples the saved person and turns him into a victim (see Drama Triangle).
What to expect
During a coaching session the coach will listen a lot, coaching is about you, the client, and no one else. Also, she will ask you about what you want to accomplish, about your objective: the clearer the goal, the easier it is for you to achieve it. The objective must always be a positive one: sometimes we know what we want to get away from but we do not know what to move towards to.
We usually think that the environment, the people and the events in our life are mostly due to fate and not in our power to change, but in fact we are unconsciously attracting everything.
Our life is what our thoughts make it. A man will find that as he alters his thoughts toward things and other people, things and other people will alter towards him.
James Allen
A good ear to listen, a clear mind, empty of own thoughts and selfish intentions, a warm heart, the way a coach can offer are the greatest gifts we can give others.
